7 steps to effective conflict resolution.
This morning I went for a run. This isn’t unusual; it’s a stress-reduction practice I engage in with a regularity bordering on ritualistic. It’s also highly effective, releasing the feel-good neurotransmitters serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine, and endorphins.
Sometimes I run for mental health maintenance. Other times, my mind is brooding on a stressor or conflict and the fresh air and regular bilateral rhythm of my feet are a therapeutic facilitation for moving through what’s on my mind.1
Today was more of the latter. So deep in conflict ruminations and imaginary conversations was I that when a car hurtled toward me through a stop sign I didn’t hear my running partner calling out, “Car! Car! Car!” Or at least, I didn’t register it. I didn’t see the large van or even notice my partner pushing me in an attempt to move me out of the way until the van was right on top of me, brakes screeching as I jumped backward, hands out to the hood of the vehicle.
Later, he asked me: Did you not see? Did you not hear? Could you not feel me pushing you? And then the critical question: Was something on your mind, distracting you?
Yeah. Something certainly was. I’ve been in a dissociative fugue over conflict with a loved one that has sapped my presence from everyday life. So much for the mindfulness I teach and usually practice.
Summer can do that. Summer is a season where people often visit families of origin, and few things can trigger our hot spots like the people who were there for their installation. If you travel to see family this summer, be watchful of these hot buttons and themes that stir so deeply. Identify them, write about them, bring them to your therapist. Activation isn’t all bad if it signals places that are in need of a deeper level of healing, and brings you to move through that inner process.
Conflict is hard. If you find yourself drawn into family conflict, here are some principles to consider to help you move through that conflict in a way that is most healthy, healing, and restorative.
#1. Schedule resolution
Leaving a loved one languishing in unresolved conflict is cruel. A form of stonewalling, this behavior pattern may be driven by a desire to gain power over the other, to punish, or to avoid discomfort. Regardless, the results of such withholding are the same and acutely harmful to your loved one’s physical and emotional health. Conflict causes an increase in adrenaline, cortisol, and blood sugar, which become neurotoxic and physically harmful over an extended time, raising the risk of heart attack, autoimmune reactivity, diabetes complications, and lowered immune defense to everything from the common cold to cancer. It causes emotional anguish and unnecessary suffering. And protracted, unresolved conflict damages your chances of a successful resolution later. Feelings do not stay stagnant, and misunderstandings can morph into resentment, anger, bitterness, and a hardening of hearts. This eventually becomes inevitable, as no one can remain in a state of grief or anxiety indefinitely. For these reasons, stonewalling predicts the end of over 94% of relationships.
If resolution is your goal, be brave, identify a few dates, times, and locations where you may be at your best, and offer these conflict resolution opportunities within hours to days of the rupture to be scheduled within no more than one to two weeks. While some people feel an urgency to talk through problems immediately, others prefer time to sort their thoughts and present a less emotionally-charged perspective. Both approaches are valid and bring strengths to the table. If you are the first sort of person, resist the urgency to pressure the slower partner. If you are the one who needs more time, it is your job to express this need and identify a specific time frame in which you will be ready to re-engage. It is often helpful to take an hour to let the adrenaline drain from your brain and body, but there is real wisdom in the ancient exhortation to “not let the sun go down upon your wrath.” Prioritize the relationship over your discomfort and show up to do the hard work.
*NOTE* Not every relationship deserves resolution. You have the freedom to decide if a dynamic is too abusive for you to engage in and the agency to determine when to call it quits. If that is not the direction you are moving, schedule a conflict resolution conversation for an imminent time or date.
#2. Be direct: face-to-face and 1:1
Directness involves two principals: conflict resolution should be as close to face-to-face as logistically possible, and conflict resolution should be between the two of you and no others.
2a. Face-to-face communication is superior because only 4% of communication happens through the words themselves. Body language and tone comprise the vast majority of what we communicate and receive. If you’ve ever fumbled your way through an encounter in a foreign country where you didn’t share a language, you’ll understand this principle. Words almost get in our way. (She said, while typing words. Ha!) Written words may be read as more inflamed than intended or may miscommunicate what is in your heart. In fact, many conflicts originate from misunderstood words! Written communication also quickly falls into a pattern of essay-like communication with multiple points, responded to by an extended defense with even more points, which leads to an ever-expanding expository speech that fails in every respect to be about seeking to understand and to connect. We say things through our fingers we would never say with our lips; we fail to see the hurt we cause in the moment it happens and double down rather than course-correcting; and we forget the humanity of the person we love when we miss the opportunity to look them in the eye. Written engagement should only be used as a come-to-the-table initial step, as minimally as necessary. Where face-to-face is impossible, video messaging is a second-best option, though it lacks the immediacy and whole-body feedback language in-person offers. Barring that for technological (rather than preference) reasons, phone conversations may have their place.
2b. Avoid triangulation
One of the most toxic things you can do to your relationships is to triangulate in others. Two-thousand years ago, the great teacher Jesus specified guidance for conflict resolution; namely, when your brother or sister has harmed you, go to them directly. If they hear you, you achieve harmony. If they are obstinate, bring in one more person to help mediate the conflict. If this fails, engage the larger community. Notice the order of operations: one does not begin by gossiping to others and enlarging the circle of conflict, as this only creates more harm. Resist the temptation to triangulate in shared contacts to make them sympathetic to your side, but keep the conflict between the two of you. If mediation becomes necessary, begin with only one trusted aide. Such a process demonstrates respect for the person with whom you wish to restore, mitigates harm, protects their reputation, and keeps things uncomplicated.
#3. Be honest
It is not helpful to dance around the issues. Do not exaggerate or magnify the harm done, and do not minimize it to make it more palatable to approach. Exaggeration pushes the other away, while minimization denies you of the opportunity to have full, deep, true resolution without regrets. Identify the incident, the harm it caused you, the feelings that resulted, your desires for self, for the other person, and for any other tangentially effected persons. Again, they need not be brought into the conversation, but may need to be identified and addressed.
#4. Stay focused
Now is not the time to bring in a litany of complaints of unrelated hurts or slights from the past. If your goal is resolution, focus to the recent harm you have identified.
#5. Take ownership
In any conflict, there is more than one part in the discord. Carefully consider where you may have contributed to the situation going awry, and own that. Not as a post-script to the conversation, but courageously right up-front. Resist the temptation to cover this in defensiveness, rationalization, or justification. Like stonewalling, defensiveness is highly predictive of relationships going sour and resolution becoming unattainable. Consider whether your desire to be seen as virtuous supersedes your desire to reconnect.
#6. Listen
While you may be the one identifying the hurt and bringing up the need for conflict resolution, you must also make space to listen. There may be, in fact likely are, areas that you have not considered where you have caused hurt. Be open to hearing these harms and accepting the emotions of the other without excuse, regardless of your good intentions. When you have invited more information, listened openly, and heard all that your partner wishes to share, you may offer to provide context or insight to your thought process, while avoiding letting these words become excuses. Stay tuned to the focus on connection, on repairing hurt, and communicating your commitment to loving restoration.
#7. Plan follow-up
Sometimes conflict does not get ironed out in a single sitting. And that’s okay. Reflect together on the progress you’ve made and the areas of newfound understanding. Express your love and commitment to continuing this process and collaboratively identify a time, date, and place to resume the dialogue. If the conflict required decision-making and you have come to a tentative problem-solving agreement, plan a follow-up to assess the success of the proposed solution. This takes the pressure off of having to come up with a perfect solution and allows you to move forward.
Relationships can be hard work! But without them, life is empty. Relationships, whether with family, friends, or partner, give meaning to life, offer resiliency in hard times, laughter in good times, and a reminder that we matter and are not alone in this uncertain world. Don’t give up on your loved ones when misunderstanding cuts deep. Resolution, carefully done, may bring a deeper level of intimacy and trust than you’ve experienced before.
- Bilateral movement is proven to reduce distress and is a key component of the radically effective trauma therapy, EMDR. ↩︎