Cultivating (self)Compassion

7 Steps to Grow Self-Love.

This post originally appeared as a guest post on Dee Burrell’s substack. I share it here today as my Valentine’s gift to each of you. No matter your feelings on this holiday, I hope you know how truly worthy you are of love. Embracing this truth is foundational to resilience.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I sat in my own therapist’s plush armchair. It was hard enough to admit that, as a therapist, I couldn’t just knowledge my way out of needing the support of another. Harder still to acknowledge the truth in answer to her question:

“Do you love the throwaway child?”

“No,” I answered between sobs. “I pity her, like a mangy dog, but I can’t love her.”

The throwaway child was me.

I was ejected from my parents’ home for my mouthiness. While the beginning of that violent night is a blur, my sister recalls my backtalk was in her defense. All I remember is the big fight that followed, me cowering, protecting my face with my arms, running, tumbling down the stairs, protecting myself in a locked bathroom, then expelled into the dark, cold January night.

That night I slept in the bed of a man who was not my boyfriend. Different beds on different nights. No, I did not love this throwaway child.

And this self-rejection of the rejected child left me stuck. Years later, hidden beneath a veneer of societal respectability, degrees in frames proving I was someone, I walked amongst others with a deep sense of separation. Of believing I did not belong. Could not, would never belong. They don’t know what I really am.

I kept my secrets to myself.

But secrets keep you separate.

In therapy, week by week, I peeled back the layers covering my shame. I watched the steady eyes of Dr. S unwavering as she held my gaze with compassion, not pity. Perhaps – dare I believe it? – love. Acceptance. Understanding, not from sharing my path, but simply from seeing. I let her see all of me.

And the shame poured out bit by bit with every tear, until the burden I carried became light.

In its place something new began to grow. I did not recognize it at first, but as the leaves matured, I discovered it was love.

I didn’t before believe that self-love was pre-requisite to loving others. I still don’t, but I’ve discovered it allows love to expand. Free of a consuming need to be loved, self-love gives wings to your own love to fly far beyond where you may have imagined. It makes space to love those who will never give back, who you may meet only once, who are different in uncomfortable ways. It roots you in confidence regardless of the reciprocation of your love.

And self-love makes space for intimate love to grow in healthier ways. When the soil is acidic, the plant may yet live, but a balanced and nourished soil provides conditions for flourishing. Secure in your own value, there is space to turn to others not for fulfillment, nor in subservience, nor with anxious guardedness that’s ready to fight or flee. Self-love opens a door to let healthy love in.

What wounds keep you curled inward in self-protection? What shadows of the past haunt your free expression of the love you would give? What trauma pulls you back from embracing healthy mutuality?

And what are you willing to release to let love in?

7 Steps to Grow Self-Love:

1. Be honest. You must be honest with yourself, moving from avoidance and numbing of past pain through busyness, alcohol, or social media addictions to identifying the source of your pain and your self-hatred. Journaling is one powerful and effective way to begin.
2. Cultivate self-compassion. You cannot move toward self-love without dismissing your inner critic. Thank her or him for trying to protect you, but fire them. They have not succeeded in protecting you from hurt; they’ve only moved the pain deeper inside. When you notice harsh self-talk pop up (I’m so stupid / Nothing will ever work out for me / I don’t deserve good things…) just notice it, dismiss it, and replace it with a kinder, gentler narrative: You did the best you could. It’s not your fault. Keep trying. You deserve love.
3. Externalize this positive self-talk by writing mantras. Place written notes as reminders in places you’ll see them often. Rehearse these truths until you start to believe them, and beyond.
4. Address the wounds where self-rejection began to grow. Even as a new therapist myself, it was important to seek my own therapy. When we are wounded by others, we need others to heal. Find support.
5. Treat yourself as you would someone you love and care for. How do you nurture your child or your pet? Do you ensure they get good food, enough sleep, physical outlets, time with friends? Do you judge them when they are sad or empathize and remind them it’s not their fault when others are mean? Do you make them work all the time or plan time for them to enjoy hobbies and novel experiences? Be kind and nurturing to yourself in these same ways.
6. Surround yourself with uplifting and supportive people. Reduce or eliminate time with those who contribute to the narrative of your self-hate. Build relationships with those who see the truth of your inner beauty. Let yourself see through their eyes.
7. Be authentic. Allow yourself to be your true self with these safe people and notice how their embrace and appreciation of you only grows.

(For more on self-love, check out chapter 7 of my book, Gaslighting: A Step-by-Step Recovery Guide to Heal from Emotional Abuse and Build Healthy Relationships.)