Reflections on abuse tactics in the home and on the international stage.
Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about! she threatened, even as she rained down blows on my tender backside. Gaslighting away the reality that I was experiencing anything worthy of tears. I’ll stop when you stop crying.
I wish it weren’t so, but I imagine half of you reading this can recall some version of these words within your own memories.
For those who grew up with abuse dynamics, or lived within them with an abusive partner in adulthood, Friday’s Oval Office press conference with Ukrainian President Zelensky1 may have been triggering in ways that may be hard to make sense of. For others, something perhaps felt wrong, and it may be illuminating to consider the many tactics used by sociopathic abusers. I’ve seen these tactics played out over and over again in the stories of abuse survivors I work with in my therapy practice. I’ve described these tactics in my internationally best-selling book, Gaslighting. On Friday, we witnessed:
– Victim blaming. “You have allowed yourself to be in a very bad position.” Here, the abuser gaslights the victim by reframing an unprovoked attack as something the victim allowed. Women in domestic violence relationships often hear You make me so angry I can’t control myself. Children hear If you would just ____, I wouldn’t have to hit you. Victims of domestic violence are often confronted with this mentality when they try to seek help, as others unhelpfully ask Why did she stay? As though being abused is about “allowing” the abuse to happen. The emphasis is switched from the attacker’s inexcusable behavior to somehow be the fault of the attacked.
– Dominance posturing. Here, the abuser talks over the other person, interrupting everything they say, refusing them opportunity to respond, raising the volume, and talking down to them. Body language intrudes on the victim’s physical space. These acts are designed to exude an image of power, strength, and control by a narcissistic person who intrinsically has none.
– Putting words in the victim’s mouth as a strawman to attack: “You will not dictate what we will feel.” While obvious to an observer that Zelensky was not saying what the USA should feel but rather reflecting a reasoned, empathic observation of a likely outcome, the word “dictate” was chosen and repeated to underscore an absurd accusation made prior that the Ukrainian president is a dictator2.
– Demanding respect, not earned or through a position of mutuality. The child is told Show some respect! by the alcoholic father who has earned none; the wife is told, with fist raised in threat, you’ll respect me or else. Talking down to Zelensky, we heard “What you’re doing is very disrespectful.”
– Emphasizing obedience from a position of authoritarian control: “You must obey or you’ll get nothing.”
– Demands of subservient gratitude. While healthy people give from a place of generosity, or simply from awareness of their responsibilities, authoritarian abusers emphasize “owing” as a tool to wield power. This undermines and rewrites basic social contracts: children don’t owe servility to the parents who chose to give them life, and wives don’t owe the men who freely married them with promises of love. Only in unhealthy dynamics are such demands placed: The least you could do is unload the dishwasher after I ruined my body giving birth to you. Ideally, such work is shared out of healthy family cooperation and consideration. Likewise, when nations have entered into agreements and treaties, no one owes the other for fulfillment of what was promised beyond the terms of the agreement. In this case, the 1994 Budapest Memorandum3, in which the USA, UK, and Russia persuaded Ukraine to give up its significant nuclear arms arsenal in exchange for a promise of sovereignty and defense, obligates Russia not to invade, and the USA and UK to come to their defense. Gratitude (which was repeatedly expressed) is not the same as the groveling demanded. When abusive authoritarians demand gratitude, what they truly want is reinforcement of perceived hierarchy and subservience of child, girlfriend, spouse, or nation. Pressure to be grateful for what is owed reshapes reality to emphasize subserviency and dependency, shifting away from a healthy foundation of honoring commitments between equals.
– Distortion of reality. “You are playing with the lives of millions.” This is classic gaslighting. The accused here is the defender of the lives of millions who were unfairly and illegally attacked by a foreign nation. Russia is the aggressor, and the USA is playing with the lives of millions by withdrawing promised and obliged aid (and earlier by making aid conditional on Ukraine producing dirt on former President Biden, a crime for which President Trump was impeached4).
– DARVO. The Oval Office scene was an ugly illustration of the classic abuse tactic summarized as Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. First the abuser denies the history of the problem and his role in it, then goes on the attack, before making himself the victim and the true victim the offender for some perceived slight (not saying “thank you” enough, not giving in to extortion). The boyfriend denies accusations of cheating, then attacks his girlfriend for being “jealous” and suddenly begins making accusations that she is flirting with the mailman. In minutes, the victim becomes the offender and the balance of power has shifted. The American president is no longer the aggressor for extorting aid, he is a victim because the Ukrainian president is “being disrespectful” for asking that the standing treaty be honored. In fact, it is fantastically Zelensky’s fault his countrymen are dying.
– Undermining and de-emphasizing the other’s accomplishments. “Without our weapons, this war would be over in two weeks.” While the United States’ contributions of weaponry is noteworthy, this accusation undermines recognition of the hard and brave fight of millions of Ukrainian soldiers who have fought with inspiring resolve against a formidable enemy, as well as the contributions of other nations. Narcissistic parents and partners take credit for their children’s and partner’s accomplishments, and such people usurp attention from others at the workplace, as well.
– Blaming the victim for the abuse they are levying. “You’re not ready for peace” is the diplomatic equivalent of “I’ll keep spanking you until you stop crying.”
– Framing self as savior to create dependency. We heard, “Without us you have no cards.” This downplays the agency and strength of the other to place them in dependent victim mode, with self as both aggressor and savior in a toxic trauma bond. This is like the parent who kicks their young child out of the home just long enough to go rescue them as they walk crying down the street. See? You need me. Now do what I say. Or the parent who takes away dinner to emphasize that they are in control, and will provide food again when the child acknowledges their “grace” in providing this basic fulfilment of their duty.
– Lies and distortions to create a false narrative to advantage the authoritarian’s position. The American president falsely claimed the USA has sent $350 billion in aid. The reality is that in 2022 Congress allocated 174.2 billion in aid, of which 83.4 billion has been sent5. The inflated numbers were used to justify extortion and self-aggrandize.
– Extortion: Using someone at their lowest for personal gain. Much like the abusive partner demanding sex after physical abuse, the American president sees a country on their knees and, lacking all compassion, sees it as an opportunity to extort them of minerals he estimates are worth “over a trillion”6 to pay back the 83.4 billion that was given not as a loan, but in accordance with the 1994 treaty agreement.
The American president was an adjudicated rapist when he was elected. He was credibly accused of rape by two dozen women before running for his first presidency, with NDAs and vast sums of hush money buying the silence of his many victims. He keeps company with and grants clemency to sex traffickers and is documented as participating in sex “parties” where young girls are exploited for sex.
And millions of Americans thought this irrelevant when they voted. But it demonstrates that he doesn’t respect the sovereign borders of others’ bodies. What would he care of the sovereign borders of nations?
When you understand sociopathy, when you’ve lived it, survived it, set up boundaries to avoid it, you recognize what you see. You aren’t surprised by what happens, because you knew. You know.
If you find yourself having strong feelings in reaction to the abuse tactics played out from the Oval Office, know that these feelings make sense. While politics can seem (or should seem) a world away from the private pain of personal trauma, when they mimic this history, when the authoritarianism exhibited by your abuser is matched by the people in political control, it is natural to experience triggering.
Take these triggers as cues that it is time to step back and re-regulate. Ground yourself using your five senses. Employ breathwork. Move your body, perhaps going for a walk, to remind yourself of your freedom and agency. Close the news and social media and turn to a creative pursuit you enjoy. Channel it all there. Let yourself cry if you feel that welling up; it is a healthy release. Connect with someone you love – because this time, you are not alone.
And that makes all the difference.
- https://www.cnn.com/2025/02/28/politics/video/zelensky-trump-vance-russia-argument-oval-office-digvid ↩︎
- Another projection. Zelensky has said if his country were to be granted NATO membership, he would resign as president, demonstrating his willingness to lay himself down for the country he loves and serves. https://www.cnn.com/2025/03/01/world/video/starmer-uk-prime-minister-zelensky-digvid ↩︎
- Budapest Memorandum of 1994: USA, UK, & Russia assured Ukraine of its Sovereignty and defense in exchange for transferring their significant nuclear arms to Russia. If we hadn’t persuaded them to give up arms, Russia would not have dared invade now. Both Russia and the USA broke this treaty. https://treaties.un.org/Pages/showDetails.aspx?objid=0800000280401fbb ↩︎
- https://www.congress.gov/116/bills/hres755/BILLS-116hres755enr.pd ↩︎
- https://www.euronews.com/my-europe/2025/02/26/fact-checking-president-trumps-claims-on-us-financial-support-to-ukraine ↩︎
- https://www.euronews.com/my-europe/2025/02/26/fact-checking-president-trumps-claims-on-us-financial-support-to-ukraine ↩︎