What it looks like, how it impacts families, and how to undo the damage
As a therapist specializing in trauma, I work with people from dysfunctional families every day. Like many therapists, I understand this dysfunction both experientially and intellectually. Growing up with family dysfunction, I live the truth that not only does it have significant and lasting impacts, but it is something from which we can heal, and is a pattern we can depart from in our own families.
Dysfunctional families take many forms, but they share a fundamental failure to adequately support the emotional, physical, and / or safety needs of their members. One cause of such dysfunction is narcissism in one of the family members.
Narcissism, or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as it is clinically labeled, is an overarching approach to self, relationships, and the world in which the individual is the center, their personal lust for power and attention superseding the wants, needs, and desires of others. Named for the Greek god Narcissa, who was overcome by obsession with her own reflection, narcissists are consumed with self. As a result, narcissists’ behavior may be selfish, callous, cruel, hedonistic, even sadistic.
Narcissists crave attention and demand adoration. They surround themselves with people who will affirm, even worship them, and cut off those who contradict them. They view everyone on a hierarchy, aiming to rise to the top and viewing those deemed beneath them with contempt. Children of narcissists are raised to be an extension and reflection of the parent, their own needs buried beneath the inappropriate responsibility of praising and serving the parent, or getting out of the way if they might be deemed embarrassing or distracting from the narcissists limelight.
Because the driving goal of the narcissist is to be seen as The Most Important and The Best, such people sacrifice healthy values of honesty and altruism to further their goals of high reputation, power and influence, and continual attention. Children of narcissistic parents grow up uncertain if or when to trust the word of their caregiver. Because narcissists believe they deserve whatever they desire and that their wants are paramount, children may be used and abused as servants, sexual objects, or containers in which to unload their wrath. Children’s success is not celebrated but viewed as a threat and competition to the narcissistic parent, or reduced to a mere reflection and extension of the parent, who quickly resumes the center of the limelight.
The fallout of such an upbringing is, unsurprisingly, harmful and extensive. As an adult, you may struggle with trust. You will likely have low self-esteem and difficulty believing that you matter or that your wants and needs are valid. You may minimize or fail to vocalize your own needs due to an expectation that they will not be heard and the felt pressure to attend continually to the needs of others in order to maintain connection. And, predictably, you may suffer from chronic post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) from the ongoing abuses suffered at the hands of one who ought to have been your protector.
Some children of narcissists become painfully insecure underperformers, and others follow the path of their parent and become over-compensating narcissists themselves, perpetuating the cycle of family dysfunction. Some naturally continue the role of the people-pleasers they were groomed to be, or inhabit the role of enabler, a pattern the narcissist rewards with proximity. Still others recognize that something was very harmful in their lives and seek to understand and heal from it, overcoming the shame and insecurity instilled by the conditional attention that was substituted for healthy parental love.
Perhaps you are reading this because the latter is you: after a lifetime of struggling to believe your needs matter, you are ready to heal. Maybe you’re wondering whether your family experience was normal, or if it was your fault.
Healing from the complexity of dysfunctional family dynamics can be a long and complicated process, but it absolutely is possible and so worth the effort. Here are six steps that can serve as a guide in your recovery:
- Reflect. Take account of your life experiences, what hurt, what was confusing, and what impacted you most.
- Affirm. Believe yourself. If you grew up under a cloud of gaslighting, this can be challenging. Know that you can trust your memories and that your experiences are valid, no matter what your family says or denies.
- Grieve. Give yourself permission to feel the sadness and the loss of what was missing from your childhood.
- Explore. Get to know yourself. If you grew up with a narcissist, your own needs, interests, and wants were probably undermined and overshadowed. Take some time to get to know yourself and learn what you enjoy. It’s okay – and good! – to be exactly who you are.
- Love. Learn to love yourself. Think of the youngest version of yourself that you remember and imagine caring for him or her with the compassion s/he needed and deserved. Identify your positive personal traits and characteristics and allow yourself to appreciate and be proud of them. It can be scary to do so when you have seen the ugliness of narcissism up close, but know that healthy self-love and the absolute selfishness of narcissism are worlds apart.
- Gather. Connect with others who like you for you, who are willing to see you and show interest in you, while also sharing themselves with you. This healthy give-and-take may feel foreign, but I promise you, it is so rewarding!
These 6 steps form a framework for healing from dysfunctional family dynamics with a narcissistic parent, though it can be easier said than done. Move at a gentle pace, spending as much time with each step as it takes, and circling back as needed. There is no rush or timeline; healing is a lifelong process. Consider enlisting the aid of a qualified therapist. Not only can they help you understand your experience and process your trauma on a deeper level than you could alone, but you also gain the experience of a healthy relationship throughout the therapeutic process that can form an alternative template for future healthy relationships in your life.
No matter what your earliest relationships taught, know this: You matter. You are exquisitely precious and intrinsically valuable. You deserve love.
Which of the 6 healing steps do you need to focus on in your life right now? Which seems most challenging?