The Courage to Continue … or to Cut Ties

Navigating family dynamics in the post-election holidays.

Thanksgiving’s rapidly approaching, and in one of the USA’s worst ideas, has a loathsome tendency to follow close on the heels of federal elections. This is a powder keg many have become all-too-familiar with.

As a therapist, this has been a significant theme in my sessions these past two weeks. In a survey by Daily Kos of over 1300, 82% expressed dismay at finding a respected loved one had voted for that other side. Only 13 percent of respondents did not have a family member vote for him. For some, they are the lone black sheep in a family unified in a singular voting tradition. What to do with those in the family who voted so differently, who supported hate, who voted to take your rights away? Or who traded these rights and freedoms for the false promise of cheaper eggs, like Jack trading the cow for a handful of beans?

There’s a lot of talk on social media of cutting all supporters of that other side out of your life. If they voted for evil, if they voted to strip you of your rights, if they supported open misogyny and racism and transphobia and the growing domestic Nazi movement, why would you keep company?

And that’s not wrong. It is a completely valid response.

And yet. I think there may be nuance here.

Relationships are not a monolith. And while sweeping everything and everyone together is easier cognitively, it isn’t necessarily accurate.

Some voted for him because they enthusiastically embrace his vision and a world that empowers them to dominate and subjugate others. They wave their flags, call out rape threats on the streets, even grab at you as you stand in line. They troll on social media and tell you to your face they look forward to your deportation, your separation from your children. This group full-throatedly embraces the vision of what’s to come.

Others were massively manipulated by their churches, by social media, and by targeted misinformation campaigns. They were fed a steady diet of fear and lies. When we point out that the person they voted for is a serial rapist^{1 2} who partied with sex traffickers^{3 4 5} and provided money for the abortion of a young girl he raped⁶, they simply don’t believe it’s true. When we point to the 900-page document in which his party describes a manifesto to systematically destroy democracy and set up a fascist theocracy,⁷ they trust his false protests that he had nothing to do with it. When we remind them that just six years ago he had children locked in cages, packed to standing room only⁸, the temperatures turned to freezing⁹, babies ripped from their desperate mothers’ arms¹⁰ and adopted off to rich white conservative families without a trace or due process¹¹, they believe those who falsely say “Obama did the same thing.” They don’t actually believe they are voting for evil because they fail to investigate, fail to listen to or read reputable sources, tune out the news because it is “unpleasant.”

And that’s really not okay either; when so much is at stake, you have a responsibility to study before you turn in your homework. This isn’t time for guessing or copying off your neighbor.

But it’s also not the same thing. The person who thirsts for blood and lusts for children is not the same as the person who doesn’t believe it is happening. The difficulty in making peace with this difference is that the weight of both votes is the same. Both the red hat wearing brawler and the sweet pie-baking southern grandmother have the same influence when they step into the polling booth. They are equally culpable.

His supporters include:

• Pedophiles and sex traffickers
• Your mother, who is your biggest champion, with the warmest hugs
• Nazis and white supremacists with swastikas carved into their skin
• Your brother, who always makes you laugh and never fails to show up when you need help fixing something
• Wife beaters
• Your sister, who watches the kids when you go to the hospital and prays for your healing
• The neighbor who spray-painted “God hates f*gs” on your fence
• The lady with dementia who can’t keep up with politics but is proud to exercise her right to vote for the party she believed in since the 1960’s, without noticing how it’s changed
• The hooded KKK klansmen who marched in celebration
• The lady who runs the food pantry at the local church

…the list goes on.

Here’s what I know:

1. This is hard.
2. It may be impossible to play nice and pretend when you are reeling with betrayal.
3. You may need time before you’re ready to face them. There are a lot of stages of grief we’re all working through. The anger stage may not be the best timing. If that means skipping a holiday, that’s okay. Just don’t burn the bridge until you’re sure you’ll never want to cross it again.
4. The impacts are not even. Some people are frantically packing their houses to move to states where their LGBTQ kids will be safe or their marriage legally protected. Some are miscarrying right now in places where doctors will allow them to slip into sepsis or lose consciousness from extreme blood loss before they will provide assistance to save their lives due to abortion restrictions implemented under his last presidency. Some are facing deportation with their children left behind. Some face losing access to healthcare while undergoing 7-figure chemotherapy and fear bankrupting their family before they die. Uneven impacts lead naturally to uneven responses.
5. There is no one right answer for how to navigate this.
6. You should never put yourself in a situation where you feel unsafe.
7. Cutting off those close enough to you that they may actually hear and consider or respect your opinion does not serve the greater good. Leaving loved ones in their silos of misinformation is not necessarily a moral high ground. At the same time, you have no obligation to be their missionary after trying unsuccessfully for 9 years.
8. The new administration is working hard already to begin stripping away our rights as women and minorities, to destroy the economy and weaken national security, public health, the free press, and education. They will take from us so much. Ultimately, this is one last treasure that we have some control over saving or losing.

Will we let him steal our loved ones, as well?

We do not have to sacrifice support, love, and connection on the alter of evil that has been erected in our midst.

But we also do not have to pretend everything is fine and normal.

It is time (far past time) for Americans to learn how to have respectful political discourse. No more “let’s agree to disagree” about morality itself. Let’s press in and look for common values. If none can be found, if these differences truly represent a difference in morality, then a decision point for continued contact may have arrived.

As for me, I will not allow those who enthusiastically support him and all the hatred and oppression he stands for into my orbit. I have consciously disconnected and cut off relationships that bring no value from those who embrace this evil. I will make space only for those closest to me who voted for him if I believe they voted in ignorance, caught up in the targeted misinformation campaign. I will not allow him to steal love from my life. But I cannot say the fallout is not without impact even there.

1. https://www.pbs.org/newshour/politics/assault-allegations-donald-trump-recapped ↩︎
2. https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/reports/a62831426/trump-allegations-timeline/#1980s-sexual-misconduct-allegations-begin ↩︎
3. https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/tape-shows-donald-trump-jeffrey-epstein-discussing-women-1992-party-n1030686 ↩︎
4. https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/donald-trump-and-jeffrey-epstein-partied-together-then-an-oceanfront-palm-beach-mansion-came-between-them/2019/07/31/79f1d98c-aca0-11e9-a0c9-6d2d7818f3da_story.html ↩︎
5. https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2019/07/trump-and-epstein-and-28-girls-new-york-timessrsltid=AfmBOoqOXRzkVVXDTmcCjvuRoP9Vh6rnXXNlOB4l_ZgvwABPEPQnKFla ↩︎
6. https://www.politico.com/story/2016/11/donald-trump-rape-lawsuit-dropped-230770 ↩︎
7. https://static.project2025.org/2025_MandateForLeadership_FULL.pdf ↩︎
8. https://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-immigration/help-40-days-here-photos-show-migrants-crammed-into-us-border-facilities-idUSKCN1TX28H/ ↩︎
9. https://www.hrw.org/report/2018/02/28/freezer/abusive-conditions-women-and-children-us-immigration-holding-cells ↩︎
10. https://www.hrw.org/news/2019/07/11/us-family-separation-harming-children-families ↩︎
11. https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/oct/30/adoption-separated-migrant-children-pro-lifers-deep-disrespect-for-maternity ↩︎